woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
