I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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