Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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