I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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