Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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