but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
