ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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