I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
