hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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