I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I will pee on everything he values.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
