And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she woke up with a sticky ear
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
ttyl tear gas
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
