This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
