My friends, they love my intelligence
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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