just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
