last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
