Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
