everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
