Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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