Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
