tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
