Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
