The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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