Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
