When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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