dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
