i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I have fence marks all over my body
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
