All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize