he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
