I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize