My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
