fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
