my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
