Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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