I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize