I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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