Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize