"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
