well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Randomize
