i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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