i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Everyone says I win the strip club
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
