I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
