so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
