the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
