I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
