Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
There's always time for handjobs
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
