"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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