somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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