i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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