I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
