TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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