Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize