enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
