I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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