In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
