oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
