I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
