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I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
