i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
