I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize