I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
