The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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